i was absolutely devastated. after years of being relatively unengaged, i’d fallen head over heals in love with a boy who did not love me.  but he wouldn’t let me go.  my friend g. and i had met years ago.  actually, i was hired to replace him.  we knew the minute we met it would only be a matter of time before we slept together.  we had that energy and we liked the same books and he honestly was looking for a reason to stay in new york, though he’d committed to moving to l.a.  

i was enamored with a sociopath who… well that’s another story.  we were lovers for a very brief period of time and then he moved to l.a.  but we were both disappointed dreamers and perennially heartbroken romantics who were always reckless with other people’s hearts so we would have insomnia driven late night conversations from opposite coasts.

g had moved back to miami and i kept trying to get away from my asshole.  ”can i come see you?” i asked him, ” but will you promise not to try and fuck me?”

he assured me that he would be a perfect gentleman.

he picked me up at the airport and the air was wet and warm in contrast to the cold chill of new york winter.  he was hung over and had just spent all night banging some german girl he’d met.  he was back at his family’s home with his 21 year old brother who was born ten years to the day after me.  his parents were in spain for the summer.  it was fun being in miami with him.  he was just relearning it and also nursing a broken heart that had driven him out of l.a.

it wasn’t but a day before we got some e and though i’ve never had a love for the drug, the party girl in me is always game.  not so much the perfect gentleman.  i mean, he actually chased me through rooms with a semi-erect cock.  i laughed and was like, COME ON.  

fine, he said, i’m going to go get the german girl then.

sure, i said, rolling my face off.  and he left me, high as a kite. his baby brother was still home.  gorgeous, this kid. he told me he was going out.  okay, i said, and thought about going into the pool.  i was still in my bikini from being at the beach.  his friend jorge came and left and then baby boy came and sat with me, “my friends’ bailed,” he said, shyly and quietly.  he was pre-med, focused and driven.  he also looked up to his big brother and g’s woman magnet ways.

“oh, i’m sorry,” i said, “but cool. i’m super high and i’m glad to have the company.”

what i found out later, was that jorge, in his infinite 21 year old wing man wisdom had said to him, “you have a hot girl downstairs, high on ecstasy. we’re not going anywhere. i’ll come back fo you.” 

so i cut the kid his first line of ecstasy, which was the rest of what his brother had bought (to be honest, i was like fuck it; if he’s going to leave me all high like this just because he can’t bang me. i don’t even like this shit) and we went into the pool and the hot tub.  he opened a bottle of his parents’ wine and tried to talk me into going out.  g came back with the german girl who was chagrined to find there were no drugs left in the house besides pot, and i got talked into going out with the 21 year olds because g and his buddy were clearly going for a bang fest with the girls they’d brought back to the house.

i took a shower and got dressed.  i was wasted.  i remember dancing and having a great time.  i kept turning down drinks because i didn’t need them.  then on the dance floor, this kid pulls me and kisses me in front of all his friends.  the balls on that kid.  i didn’t want to embarrass him, though it wasn’t exactly what i wanted and i just went with it.

when we got back to the house, two of the rooms were taken so baby boy and i shared a bed, fairly platonically.  i mean.  g walked in on us around noon after he’d taken the german girl home and we were naked and cuddled together.  

“great,” he said, “i’ll never get that image out of my mind.”

i stayed there for a few more days, while asshole blew me up, texting, i.m. ing.  g and i were our usual friends and he showed me what being a local in miami was like.  we had dinner with his sister and ate amazing cuban food.

on the last night, baby boy and i enjoyed making him jealous.  i sat oh his lap and he kissed my shoulder while his brother yelled, “stop that! i might marry that girl someday.”  g and i had always sort of jokingly talked about moving to paris together and opening a bar, but i knew that was never going to happen.  

my last night, g got into bed with me and tried to make out with me.  i resisted, “i don’t want this.”

“what do you want?”

“i want to fuck your brother.”

he rolled off me, “fine go.”

i don’t think i really did. but i didn’t want to fuck him.  it’d been years and he’d promised me an oasis from my hurt only to want to bang me.  and baby boy was so cute and sweet and hot and i knew he wanted me, but couldn’t get me.  

so i went into his room and he looked at me like it was christmas morning.  i did it to get back at the asshole in new york who didn’t love me, to get back at his brother in the next room for denying me a safe haven, and to be someone’s fantasy.  

i don’t think i was any good; i didn’t want it. but he came up to new york about a year later and i made up for it. and btw, g banged my roommate.

he was hectic and so was i, but he was moving to japan in the morning.  we decided to meet at 10.

“i’m freaking out a little,” he told me, ” i mean, everything’s pretty much done.”

“yeah,” i said, having done this before, “and tomorrow you’ll be gone.  whatever didn’t get done won’t really matter. it’ll be awesome.”

we caught up a little. i told him about the recent changes in my life.  we talked about the upcoming changes in his.  i’d known him almost my entire new york life.  we met eight years ago.  we didn’t talk for a few years and when we reconnected three years ago, it was remarkable to see how much we’d grown and how much we were still the same person.  like the friends you had growing up.  they always know who you are, because they know where you came from.  i was 26 then; he was 23.

i remember when we met.  it was one of the handful of times i’ve seen someone’s face melt upon seeing me.  i’d just moved here three months earlier.  it was 2003.

i was supremely unhappy in my hometown of san francisco and had bought a one way ticket to the east coast.  i found myself living in what couldn’t even be called a room, but a space above a bathroom in williamsburg in a converted space with built in rooms. i couldn’t stand up straight in my “room”.  there were mornings or nights i would sit up in my bed and hit my head on the pipe above me.  i slept on a twin mattress someone had given me.  there wasn’t even a wall the first two weeks i was there.  i got a job bartending under the table at a comedy club just to make some money initially and was looking for a legit job.  i met him there.

it was at a restaurant/lounge that was hot with the fashion set about three years prior to when i arrived. i  showed up for my training shift in a black skirt, flats and top.  it was a morning in late june, early july.  the manager introduced me to L by the coffee station.  he was going to be training me.    L was making a coffee.  he turned to me and the minute he saw me his face melted.  i knew right then he’d fallen in love with me. sure, i’m blessed, i guess. i’ve seen men’s faces shift when the light hits my face in the right way. i’ve seen awe glaze over gazes, mouths agape.  but i’d never witnessed love at first sight and i will always be grateful that i was a subject of that moment.  he took a minute to collect himself.  throughout the day, he was sheepish and serious when talking to me.  he alternated between avoiding my gaze to staring at me intently, though it was obvious that he had an outgoing, outlandish personality.  he wanted to be an actor and had moved to new york just 6 months before me to do so.  there was a lot of anger in his humor. there still is.

we became fast friends.  he adored me. and my living situation was getting more uncomfortable.  it turned out that one of my roommates, though harmless, had a thing for masturbating in public areas.  i decided to move out and i’d end up crashing on L.’s couch because he wanted me to feel safe.  i had nothing and nobody here.  it was the way i wanted it.  i was escaping a drug habit and an extreme dissatisfaction when i moved here.  there were so many voices filling my head back home, telling me who i was.  a party girl. a good girl.  people worried about me.  people who wanted me to come have fun.  i was someone’s ex girlfriend.  i was someone’s new girlfriend.  i was anyone they said i was, and i didn’t know who that was.  i felt like everyone wanted something from me and i didn’t know what i wanted.  so i had bought the cheapest one way ticket to the furthest place i could get where i pretty much didn’t know anyone.  

i knew he loved me, but i needed a friend.

one night, he walked me to work and sat there my entire shift while i bartended.   he was straight edge, then.  it was slow, so i got cut early.  we walked to his apartment in the east village.  we put on bottle rocket.  we were laying on different couches and he got all antsy, “i can’t do this! i can’t watch this movie!”

“okay,” i said, a bit confused, “we don’t have to. do you want to go for a walk or something?”  

“no, i can’t do this. i want you.”

“oh.” we’d already had this conversation and my life at that time was too overwhelming and the truth of it was, i just didn’t feel that way about him.  but i’d had enough of men, with the masturbating roommate and the months of homelessness before and the history of my boyfriends’ agendas forced upon me.

“fine,” i said. i stood in front of him in the middle of the living room and took off all my clothes.

“what are you doing?”

i went over him and straddled him, “this is what you want, right? fine. you can have it, but nothing between us will ever be the same again.”  i kissed him, “i’m going to take a shower first and then, whatever you want.” i kissed him again. “okay?”

he looked at me with such sadness and desire, “i feel like i’m making a deal with the devil.”

“whatever.” i kissed him again and grabbed a towel.  i took a shower and felt somewhat pleased and numb.  i felt absolutely soulless. 

i came back out and we started making out again.  he rolled over on top of me and then again said, “i can’t. i can’t do this. i don’t want this. not like this.”

“okay, good!” i looked up at him, “can we go back to being just friends now?”

“yes.”

we slept in the same bed and the next day he went to urban outfitters and bought me a new pair of underwear so i’d have something clean to wear to work.

after that, our friendship took on a somewhat contentious tone.  he made judgements about me.  he said hurtful things.  i brushed them off, best i could because i knew i’d hurt him.  i told him he had a lot of anger and he took great offense to that. he started messing around with a gorgeous girl we both worked with who loved him, and she was always curious about our relationship, but we were both evasive about it.  she was cool and we were friends.  

he got fired for telling off a customer and i found a new gig.  years later, at my 30th birthday party, he showed up late to my birthday party.  i had a boyfriend then who loved me and L, again made assessments about me and the way i treated him.  i wasn’t capable of love then.  after that guy and i broke up, L and i met up another time.  he told me his mother had died and he told me that i was right about his anger.  he told me that he remembered the moment he’d met me.  he told me how obsessed he had been with me.

we didn’t talk for another two years and then finally reconnected and went out for sushi.  by then, he was thirty and had spent some time travelling and he’d grown.  i apologized for what i did that hot august night.

“no,” he said, “thank you. thank you for doing that. it made me really look at the way i idealized you and you were just you. i needed it.”

after that, i think we truly became friends.  he sees something in me that i don’t and i’m grateful for it.  we adore each other.

i was a bit afraid when we said good bye that he’d try to… i don’t know. but he held me tight and lifted me off my feet and kissed me on the cheek.

“you’re amazing,” he said, “be well. you’re fucking awesome.”

“i’m so excited for this next chapter of your life.”

“me, too.”

under the street lights in brooklyn, eight years later, i knew we’d both be all right and though i probably won’t see him for years, i know he’ll always be in my life and we’ll always love each other and we’ll always know each other.